Don't Let Go
by angel718
Summary: Markcentric. He didn't cry at her funeral. Staying a two-shot unless I get a major burst of inspiration.
1. Halloween

Author's Note: I know, if I'm going to work on anything, it should be "What Is This Feeling." (No, not "Seasons of Love." Chapter eight is posted.) Anyway, this has been in my head for a while, and it kind of changed from what it would've been. I say it "could be a one-shot" because if you want more, tell me and I'll add it. I just…I think that these scenes are so powerful, and I used an opportunity to kind of focus on Mark for a while, and how he must've been feeling. I don't own RENT. Review please.

Mark watched.

He watched the pews slowly filling with grim looking, black-clad people.

He watched Roger walk over to him and sit down without so much as a glance at Mimi.

He watched Mimi, looking like death, alternate between watching Roger and the door, like she was expecting Angel to come through it any second.

He watched Maureen sit far away from Joanne, a far cry from the crazy, vivacious diva that she usually was.

He watched Joanne stare straight ahead, her face a completely unreadable mask.

He watched Collins trying to pull himself together…for Angel.

And he watched Benny, an outsider in the life that he had once been a part of, with an arm around Mimi and a miserable, thoughtful expression on his face.

It was strange, Mark thought. There'd been trouble in the Bohemian family even before Angel had started getting sick, but now that she was dead it seemed like there was no reason for the rest of them to stick together. It was like they'd just given up. He surveyed the tattered remains of what had once been a group of best friends and bit his lip. What could he do?

Collins was staring at the ceiling as though he was trying to keep the hot tears from coursing down his cheeks, but it wasn't doing any good. Mark glanced away, his ice-cold fists clenched tightly together in his lap.

This was horrible. It was completely unfair that Angel had come in a blaze of color and excitement only to die a slow and painful death ten months later. Ten months. It just wasn't enough time.

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"_How did we get here; how the hell?"_

He was walking away from Angel's gravesite, the shouts of his friends still echoing in his mind. Angel's gravesite. It was final now. She was dead.

"_Pan left. Close on the steeple of the church." _He held his hands up to frame the church in a desperate attempt to distract himself. If he treated it like a movie, maybe it would stop hurting.

"_How did I get here; how the hell? Christmas. Christmas eve last year." _That was when it started. She'd met Collins, a random guy who'd just been mugged and left to die in an alley, and what had she done? Taken him to her place and fixed him up. She hadn't considered her own needs for a second. She never did.

"_How could a night so frozen be so scalding hot? How can a morning this mild be so raw?" __**If we would have known that night that everything in our entire lives was about to change…would we do anything differently? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. **_He swallowed hard against the enormous lump that had suddenly risen in his throat, refusing to cry. He knew if he started, it would be a long while before he could stop again.

_"Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory when single frames of one magic night forever flicker in close up on the 3D Imax of my mind?_ That's poetic." Who did he think he was kidding? 

"That's pathetic." Everyone knew that Angel had been in huge amounts of pain, particularly towards the end, but there was nothing they could do no matter how hard they tried. She wouldn't be the only one to die that way. Soon…who knew when?…Mimi, Roger and Collins would all join her. And then Maureen and Joanne would leave. Whether they would be alone or together, he had no idea. But why would they stay in Alphabet City with only him as company? Why?

_"Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door and Collins choose that phone booth back where Angel set up his drums? Why did Maureen's equipment break down? Why am I the witness? And when I capture it on film will it mean that it's the end and I'm alone?" _


	2. Goodbye Love

Disclaimer: RENT is not mine, and neither are the lyrics to "Goodbye Love..." which means that 99.99 of the dialogue is also...guess what...not mine.

Mark sighed and leaned his forehead against the cold door to the loft, his key dangling loosely in his hand. "Let's go get drunk," he muttered to himself. He'd gone. He'd gone because of the horrible look on Collins' face. Like for once he needed Mark and not the other way around. It broke his heart, seeing Collins like that. Mark hadn't gotten drunk, though, no matter how badly he'd wanted to. He knew himself, and he knew that even if the alcohol blurred out his surroundings for a few hours, it would all just come back ten times stronger when he was sober again. It would have been nice…that relief.

He squeezed his eyes shut. No. No, not now. He'd lasted through the entire funeral, the visit to the cemetery, the obligatory visit to the Life to watch his friends drink themselves into a stupor and try to forget…he couldn't let go of his composure after all of that. Before he could change his mind, he walked into the loft.

It was strange, seeing it without all of Roger's crap strewn over every empty surface. Mark's heart caught in his throat, and he hurried down the hallway, praying that Roger hadn't already left. When he got to Roger's room, the songwriter was already almost through packing and didn't give any indication of having heard him. _**Okay. Be casual. Everything's gonna be okay.**_

"I hear there are great restaurants out west." Yes. Fabulous opening line. Very…calm. So not what was going on in Mark's head, which made it perfect.

"Some of the best,"Roger replied. "How could she?"

Mark's eyes widened at the heat in his best friend's voice. Mimi. Of course, Roger couldn't see his own role in that whole disaster. Why couldn't he just admit he loved her and try to help? "How could you let her go?"

"You just don't know. How could we lose Angel?" He sounded upset, but Mark was getting frustrated. His roommate wasn't the only one going through pain, so why did he have to be so self-centered?

"Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain. At least now if you try Angel's death won't be in vain."

"His death is in vain." Roger sounded like he actually meant it.

_**What? **_"Are you insane? There's so much to care about. There's me…there's Mimi."Mark caught himself quickly. He and Roger had a strictly non-emotional friendship most of the time, and whenever it got to mushy stuff like, God forbid, affection, Roger had a habit of making a joke or shutting down. But Mimi…Roger loved her. Maybe he'd stay for her.

"Mimi's got her baggage too."

"So do you."Mark's head was beginning to hurt with the attempt at making Roger see the light. How could Roger be so disillusioned?

"Who are you to tell me what I know…what to do?" 

"A friend."_**A friend who is trying to help you, but you'll never let me.**_

"But who, Mark, are you? Mark has got his work. They say Mark lives for his work and Mark's in love with his work…Mark hides in his work."

_**That's ridiculous!…Isn't it? **_"From what?"

"From facing your failures, facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie. Yes you live a lie…tell you why. You're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive."

Mark bit his lip. He'd never…well…this wasn't fair, but…it was true. Maybe. "Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive." He knew right away he'd made a mistake. Roger looked absolutely furious.

"Poor baby."

_**Okay. I screwed up. I definitely screwed up. But…he can't go. **_"Mimi still loves you. Are you really jealous, or afraid that Mimi's weak?"

"Mimi did look pale."

"Mimi's gotten thin. Mimi's running out of time and you're running out the door." _**I don't think she can live without you.**_

"No more! I've gotta go."

Mark actually felt his stomach contract, and he couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth, even though he knew they weren't wise. "Hey! For someone who's always been let down, who's heading out of town?" What was it going to take to get Roger to stay?

"For someone who's always longed for a community of his own, who's with his camera…alone? I'll call. I hate the fall." Mark flinched imperceptibly at his roommate's harsh words. The fact that they were true made them all the more painful."You heard?" Mark's head snapped toward the door where Roger was standing. It was open, and he was looking out at someone… _**Oh, no.**_

"Every word."Mimi's voice shook, but it was obvious that she was trying to stay strong. "You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees. You don't want to watch me die. I just came to say goodbye, love. Goodbye love. Came to say goodbye love. Goodbye. Just came to say…" Roger hurried past her on his way to the door, and Mark inched forward. He couldn't help Roger, but he could try to be there for Mimi.

"Glory…" 

"Goodbye love…"

"One blaze of…"

"Goodbye love…"

"Glory…"

"Goodbye love…goodbye."

"…Have to find." Roger was rushing down the steps now, his bags clutched tight in his hands. Every time Mark looked at Mimi's face, it ripped at his heart. She looked horrible, as though she hadn't eaten or slept in months. A lump clogged his throat. It killed him to think it, but he knew she'd be the next to go…and it didn't look like it was going to be much longer. He joined her on the stairs, trying to push the thoughts out of his mind.

Benny spotted Roger heading toward his car and walked inside to check on Mimi. She was so fragile…he spotted her and reached out, but she flinched away.

"Please don't touch me. Understand I'm scared. I need to go away." Mimi managed, her voice cracking.

"I know a place…a clinic…" Mark grasped for the words uncertainly.

"A rehab?" Benny's eyes widened.

"Maybe…could you…?" Mimi's head was lowered, and it was all she could do to keep from crying.

"I'll pay." He assured her. Mark breathed a sigh of relief. Mimi needed to get clean desperately and there was nothing he could do but give her the name of the clinic. Benny could pay. He would have to.

Mimi ran down the stairs and slammed the door to her own apartment. "Goodbye, love. Goodbye love. Came to say…goodbye love, goodbye love. Goodbye love. Goodbye. Just came to say goodbye love. Goodbye love. Goodbye love…Hello disease." A tear slid down one hollowed cheek and splashed to the floor as she stared out the window after Roger's car.

AN: Please review...please? If everyone's interested enough, I'll carry it through to the end of "RENT," with each chapter a song.


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